


I Live to Love

by justanothernobody



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Feels, Future, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Light Angst, M/M, Robot Feels, Robot/Human Relationships, Robots, honestly i have no idea what i should tag this with, is this, lapselock, or is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22891924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothernobody/pseuds/justanothernobody
Summary: “love is just a chemical reaction,” jaehyun says."but do you feel it," doyoung asks again. "do you feel love, for me?"
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 67





	I Live to Love

it’s raining when doyoung gets out of his office.

technically, the skies have been pouring since noon. but doyoung can’t hear it when he has been working all day in the confines of his dayjob. he peeks a glance up at the grey clouds and sighs, goes back inside to borrow an umbrella at the reception desk and gets out again.

doyoung should really take the company car instead of making his trip back home difficult by trudging through the downpour. but he kind of likes it. he likes the time alone he gets whenever he walks home. the city is bustling, still, but at the same time it is peaceful. people walk by him without sparing a second glance and he absolutely loves it — the anonymity that comes when doyoung is walking alongside the crowd of strangers.

he opens the black umbrella and begins walking. the shallow puddles in the pavement splash under his shoes, he would’ve been upset about them were they not waterproof. _it’s a good thing that they are, then_ , he thinks. doyoung feels childish whenever he steps right into the water, but he has to admit it gives him an innocent sort of glee at each step he takes.

he stops at the intersection as he waits for the pedestrian light to turn green, mindlessly scrolling on his phone as the sound of the sky rumbles. the light changes colour, the timer ticks down from 30 seconds, and he crosses the road. he’ll arrive in ten minutes if he keeps up his current leisurely pace. but tonight, doyoung wants to get back to his apartment quicker. he feels more drained than usual and the thought of stepping into his home, eating the dinner he has premade on sunday, and getting comfy on his bed makes him walk faster.

doyoung takes a shortcut on his way. it’s through an alleyway just a bit off the main road. he doesn’t usually take it because of how isolated it is there. _no use in putting yourself in danger_ , is what he says every time he considers going through the alley. except tonight is different. just this once, he’ll take that path so he can arrive home in no time.

just when he turns left, something moves in the corner of his vision. it catches his attention — there’s nothing too interesting in the city, especially this late. doyoung analyses the ‘thing’. it looks like some kind of scrap metal at first glance, but when he shines his phone flashlight on it, he finds out it isn’t. it seems like an arm, a robot arm, with a deep gash on it allowing the silver of his bone glint through.

_wait, a robot arm?_

doyoung spurs into action at the thought, shining the flashlight up until it lands on the robot’s head. doyoung can tell it’s on off mode because it’s head is lolled to the side. he searches its nape for the power switch.

when he finally locates it, the robot opens its eyes slightly — too dim than how normal robot eyes are supposed to be. it opens his mouth to speak, yet no sound comes out.

the robot almost shuts down again. and if doyoung were more level-headed he would have fixed him on the spot before going home again. but doyoung isn’t — he leans more towards panicky and therefore it affects his decision-making abilities. doyoung props the robot up beside him, supporting him as much as he can while he walks the remaining distance to his home, not forgetting to be mindful of its wounds.

•••

back home, the first thing doyoung does is get his emergency sewing kit. it’s quite old-fashioned of him to still own one, but it was something his mother always insisted he keep at his house. _you’ll never know when your pants will rip_ , was her joking response every time doyoung asks her why. she isn’t too wrong, though. doyoung truly finds the sewing kit handy — not necessarily at sewing rips on clothing, but maybe rips on something a bit larger than its intended use.

it’s also a good thing he was taught how to sew. his mother was a crafty woman, so she had occasionally taught doyoung how to stitch small accessories. thanks to that, he is able to feed the thread through the hole with little struggle.

“alright, doy — slow and steady,” he repeats to himself. doyoung pierces the outermost layer of its skin and connects it to the other edge of the gash, going back and forth with the motion until he has sealed the skin. the needlework is messy, but at least he’s sealed the cut enough so it isn’t bleeding too much. he wipes off the leftover blood with a wet wipe, wincing when he sees how soaked it is. doyoung will have to make do of it until tomorrow morning.

but right now, with the robot not even awake, the best thing to do is to let it rest and recharge. he finds his wireless charging pod — the same kind most robots use nowadays — leaves it beside his feet. _there, that should do it._

doyoung will find what’s the problem with the robot. but right now, all he wants is his much-needed sleep from a tiring day of work. and the robot looks like it needs it too — some good rest and recovery.

•••

doyoung’s ideal, peaceful morning goes like this — he wakes up at late morning, lazes in bed, and then properly wakes up before having breakfast. but his life is unfair, so his morning went something like this instead — he gets woken up at the crack of dawn with the face of the robot he took in yesterday looming over his.

it is only natural that doyoung shouts out of panic. the robot pushes off of him, but still keeps the distance between them small.

“who are you?” it asks, wary. the robot scans doyoung from head to toe, a hand in from of him in case anything bad happens, doyoung guesses.

“woah- calm down, okay...” doyoung tries. the robot still looks unsure, but its hands lower until doyoung can properly see his face.

and, _oh_ , the robot is quite handsome even when looking mean. doyoung hates himself for thinking so — what man on earth could admire the thing threatening him?! he comes back to his senses and decide to step a bit closer to the robot.

“my name’s doyoung.”

its eyes widen a bit, a brow raising in question. “jaehyun,” he hesitantly replies. doyoung almost misses it due to how quiet his voice was.

“i- i found you in an alley yesterday night. you looked hurt, so i brought you to my place to fix you up,” he explains.

jaehyun doesn't seem to put his guard down — if anything he doubles it. he scans doyoung up to down, then back up, and repeats it over and over. doyoung feels like he's cornered, backed up into the crevice between his walls until there's nowhere left to escape to. hours seem to have passed when jaehyun seems to worry less. his shoulders gradually lose their tenseness and he doesn’t back away from doyoung as much. all his initial unsureness falls away when he nears doyoung, leans forward to him and doyoung does the same. a nod is the only thing jaehyun does after they get close enough to almost knock foreheads.

 _huh, it's definitely one of the weirder gestures of trust a robot has_ , doyoung thinks. or maybe it isn't, maybe doyoung just doesn't know about it. he doesn't use much technology despite working a company that focuses on said sector. at worse, doyoung is embarassed to say he doesn't know how to operate most gadgets introduced from the year 2715 onwards. but jaehyun isn't making it complicated for doyoung. he takes the reins and tells doyoung the basics about himself. born jung yoonoh, made sometime early in the first year of the century — a complicated description for the year 2700 — and that's the gist of what he says. there isn't much to learn from his vague decription. do doyoung nods along and lets himself sync with the other piece of sophisticated technology he owns — sadly, it's only his laptop. he swears he can hear jaehyun snickering a bit when he mentions it.

 _that's alright,_ doyoung thinks _. jaehyun can laugh all he wants, but at the end of the day it's still doyoung's roof he's under so — as his father used to say — it's his rules he's under too._

•••

a handful of times, doyoung catches jaehyun staring at him. all the times he does so, he does it discreetly. someone less observant than doyoung wouldn't probably realise that jaehyun's burning a hole through him all with his sharp gaze. this time is no different.

doyoung has to admit, something about jaehyun makes it hard for him to look away. he’ll put the blame on jaehyun’s eyes.

jaehyun’s eyes are the same, yet it is different. he looks at doyoung for one second and then looks away in the next. he looks at doyoung like he is studying him, assessing his profile and expression, then jaehyun looks away as if he has learnt every single fact, even the minute ones, about doyoung in just two seconds.

and maybe it is possible that he has known. doyoung did tell jaehyun a general idea of his life and memories when growing up just a few days ago in attempt to help him better understand what sort of person doyoung is. so maybe it is true that machine is better than man — that the robot is able to interpet the data transcription into something else; be it into reactions, an analysis, or any of the kind.

and doyoung right now feels like those poor animals he sees in laboratories — stared at by scientists to find a reaction after being drugged to the brink of overdose. he should probably be uncomfortable, because jaehyun looks at him for uncomfortably long periods of time.

instead all he feels is awe. he stares back at jaehyun, looks him straight in the eye. it prompts jaehyun to stare longer at him. at his own brown eyes, duller than jaehyun’s manmade ones. his eyes are the exact shade of copper — doyoung's personal favourite. he knows that because he had spent more than enough time admiring them when he was patching jaehyun up. if doyoung looks close enough, he can almost see his silhouette reflected in those stunningly beautiful eyes.

he finally looks away, his gaze locking outside the window in doyoung’s living room. what he’s looking at, doyoung isn’t sure. but he really can’t make jaehyun do anything else — he knows because he's tried to do so over the past two days — so he lets the robot be and drowns himself in his own pile of work.

and the next time jaehyun acknowledges his presence — by putting his cold hand on his shoulder — doyoung jumps in surprise. he looks at jaehyun for an answer. jaehyun just shrugs and says, “it’s already past eight,” while opening the digital clock on the monitor in his wrist. true to his word, it was already well into nightfall. the holographic numbers show 20:38.

for a robot, jaehyun’s face isn’t as emotionless as he thought it would be. his brows are a bit furrowed and his lips are slightly downturned. doyoung kind of feels guilty for being the reason of his concern.

“thanks for reminding me,” he says, “and i’m sorry for worrying you, jae.”

jaehyun looks a bit shocked at his words. doyoung can tell he doesn’t get apologies often, and he obviously isn’t sure what to properly respond with. he doesn’t mind it when jaehyun only answers him after a whole minute went by.

“okay,” he quietly replies. “go get some rest, yeah. you still have to go to your office tomorrow.”

doyoung nods, quickly tidying his desk. he nods again at jaehyun when he’s done, beckoning him out of his home office and goes in different ways as he steps into the bathroom to wash up for bed.

•••

“can i touch your hand?” jaehyun asks him one day.

doyoung turns his head to face him. the robot is looking at him quite weird, almost as if he is unsure. it’s an odd request, doyoung must admit, but jaehyun should know that he is willing to grant anything jaehyun asks of him.

“sure,” he answers, pushing his right hand out for jaehyun.

jaehyun takes it, holds it in between his fingertips. he runs his finger down his knuckles, and doyoung shivers at his cool touch. jaehyun observes his hand as if he’s never seen it, even if he has his own pair of hands. he touches every nook and cranny of it — the pads of his fingers, his blunt nails, each curve and slope in between, the lines running across his palms — doesn't leave any part out.

then jaehyun moves down to his wrist. he wraps his thumb and pointer finger around it, tightening it ever so slightly. doyoung hums at his actions, loosening his whole arm so jaehyun can do — well, whatever it is he wants to do.

there’s no way doyoung can deny that jaehyun’s touch feels nice. his palms are soft, doyoung would argue it is as soft as silk. his skin is only a bit more tanned than doyoung’s own, so the contrast isn’t much. but he’s got such pretty hands compared to him. they’re like a doll’s — like porcelain except he can move them. it is obvious he can't put how it feels into proper words. but doyoung thinks he can hold jaehyun’s hand forever and still _not_ be bored.

he pulls off doyoung’s wrist, looking hesitant once again, as if he doesn’t know what to do with his own hands once he's let go of doyoung's. it warms doyoung's heart up a bit.

still, jaehyun looks like a clueless puppy with his hands hovering about the air without purpose. he reaches out to him, takes hold of his hands again and places them on his chest, just right where his heart is. jaehyun can no doubt feel his heart beat steadily. he looks fascinated by it, jaehyun closes his eyes and relaxes himself, feels his pulse under his palm, feels the warmth of doyoung's skin covered by his oversized tee. jaehyun inches his hand upwards, until it reaches the area where his neck meets his shoulders. he lets his hand rest at the curve of it, squeezing once. his fingertips play with the stitching of the neckline. it occasionally brushes against the sliver of skin under the clothing, and each time jaehyun is quick to retract.

doyoung finally gets annoyed when he's pulled off several times. doyoung holds his hand again, lets jaehyun properly touch the skin there if he wants to. and he does so, eagerly — he runs his ring finger down the dip between his collarbones and at his adam's apple, which bobs when doyoung swallows a bit.

"is this okay, jaehyun-ah?'

jaahyun hums, still running his fingers along doyoung's skin. "i never knew humans were so- so warm. _you're_ warm," he mentions, hand lingering in an awkward spot on doyoung's shoulder. "i thought they were more room-temperature warm than steam warm — if that makes sense," he continues, chuckling albeit depreciatingly at himself.

"if it helps, i didn't know robots would be colder."

jaehyun breaks out into a grin this time, full-blown and so bright doyoung thinks it can rival the sun.

"then, we're even."

doyoung nods. "even," he repeats. the space that his fingers leave from are comfortingly warm.

•••

on one particular night, doyoung wakes up with a jolt. jaehyun is screaming, and even though his voice is muffled it's still loud. he hurries to his room to see what is wrong. upon further inspection, jaehyun's eyes are still closed. but he's thrashing on the bed, flipping right to left and saying words like, "no, please don't," or "stop it, please!"

fuelled by panic, doyoung shakes him awake. in response jaehyun's eyes open so fast and he sits up ramrod straight. his hands come up in front of him in an act of self-defence. his mouth is opened as if panting for air, except jaehyun can't even breathe in the first place.

when he realises that it is only doyoung, he relaxes, slumping down on the bed tiredly. "are you alright?" doyoung asks, even if the answer had been obvious enough.

"not exactly. i just had some visions. i think you humans used to call them dreams."

 _ah yes_ , dreams. doyoung remembers reading about them from his grade school textbook. it was one of the mandatory lessons taught to him as a kid, and one of the only things that had stuck through all those years. dreams were these visions people back then had during resting. some humans were able to control how their dreams went — ‘lucid dreaming’ was its name — but most couldn't do so. reports show that humans years ago were able to dream of anything and everything. dreams could replay figments of their day, could show scenes completely different to how their lives were, and could even horrify them to no end — nightmares, as they were so called.

and the most odd part about the phenomenon is that there is no absolute way to predict what humans would dream of next. the irregularity of dreaming were what made so many fascinated to study on it. but doyoung grew up in times where dreaming was a rare occurence. everything in his life was predictable. granted, doyoung has only ever dreamt twice in his whole life.

the first dream was when he was just eight years old. his family had recently moved into the capital. he had dreamt the day of his move, except with a twist that they never made it to their new home. they were involved in a mojr car crash instead. it scared young doyoung to no end, sent him running to his parents' room in the wee hours of the night. his father had been the one to comfort him that night, effectively distracting him by playing an old board game — if he remembers correctly it was a game of chinese checkers — that the family had kept in the closet.

the second one happened quite recently. just last month. he recalls an unknown face running his gentle hands upon his skin, remembers touching the stranger face, gripping the curve of his waist and leaving handprints in its wake. he remembers feeling overwhelmed with all the sensations he felt. doyoung woke up on that morning feeling sweaty and with a sticky patch in front of his sleep-shorts. _yuck_.

"maybe you just had a bad sleep, jae," doyoung reasons.

jaehyun just shakes his head. "i come with softwares that ensure i rest properly.” it’s a logical reason, doyoung has to admit.

“nothing happens for no reason. this vision must be something that had happened, or will happen pretty soon to me."

in a way, what jaehyun is saying is true to a degree. some researchers say some people experience things beforehand through a dream — 'deja vu' was the word to describe it. he wants to know more, except it's already 1 a.m. and doyoung absolutely has no energy to deal with these things right now.

"just go back to sleep for now, and we'll figure out what the dream was about tomorrow," doyoung says.

jaehyun stays quiet, closes his eyes, and tries to will his body to rest. doyoung can tell it isn't working much, visible by how his shoulders are only tensing up by the second. _it's a bit cute_ , doyoung thinks.

"you're welcome to sleep with me, if it'll help you feel better."

he lights up a bit when doyoung offers, smiling thankfully. doyoung leads the way back to his room, gets on the right side of the bed and leaves the space empty beside him for jaehyun. he climbs in and tucks both of them under the covers.

just like that, jaehyun slumbers again easily. doyoung spends a few moments too long just staring at his peaceful face. he wants to memorise it — store it in his memory for safekeeping. he wants to protect jaehyun from everything the world hurls his way. and in return doyoung wants nothing more than to see him safe and happy-

_-with me_ , his mind adds. he bites his the inside of his cheek to hold back a fond smile and turns to face the wall, closing his eyes and falling back asleep. that night he dreams of dimpled smiles and soft hands against his.

•••

jaehyun’s bad dreams are reoccurring, doyoung notes.

it happens at least once a month, at most once every three days. and in each one jaehyun sounds more miserable than he did before. doyoung did ask him if he knew any reason why he had those nightmares, but every time jaehyun’s answer was a genuinely sorry-sounding, “i don’t know.”

it prompts doyoung to wonder what really is the cause of jaehyun’s bad dreams. and his curiosity peaks one day as he is sitting in front of his computer at his office.

there’s nothing that isn’t uploaded online these days, thankfully, so a quick search of jaehyun’s given name — jung yoonoh, he remembers — leads him to the manufacturer’s database of him. he opens jaehyun’s short profile, skims over his general information.

_[name: jung yoonoh_

_product number: sm-021497_

_product history:_

_2723_

_product location unknown_

_2711 - 2715_

_product returned to manufacturer_

_factory reset by manufacturer_

_purchased by citizen (ID number: xxx-xxxxx-9571)_

_2700-2710_

_purchased by citizen (ID number: xxx-xxxxx-9295)_

_system updated to software edition nct-119_

_new code installed_

_system updated to software edition nct-120_

_product returned to manufacturer_

_factory reset by manufacturer_

_purchased by citizen (ID number: xxx-xxxxx-2610)_

_minor reparations by manufacturer_

_...(_ _ read more _ _)]_

he finds more when he looks at the company profile. the company’s made a lot of robots and technological items over the past century. looking up jaehyun’s serial number leads him to more robots of jaehyun’s kind — one described as the newest innovation, able to fulfil all human desires and even more. it is one that can react accordingly, can read situations, and can perform better than the rest. the affection bot, it was named, or more infamously known in the market as sex robots.

_jaehyun was a sex robot._

that would explain why jaehyun acts different than the service robots doyoung often sees — he is timid where others are more upfront, gentle where he should have been more stiff. it gives a reason to how jaehyun looks too. soft, porcelain skin and pretty doe eyes, rosy lips and full cheeks _with dimples_. too pretty to be ordinary, doyoung concludes. and maybe even why jaehyun always looks expectant when doyoung lets him sleep on the same bed with him — a place he may associate only with sexual connotations.

and the discovery hits doyoung like a wave. he feels disgusted, not at jaehyun, but rather at the people that bought him. and it makes him feel more nauseous whenever he reads about jaehyun being returned after being bought, it only worsens every time he sees that jaehyun was ‘lost’ ever since 2723 — ‘lost’ for eight years now. only god knows what jaehyun’s been through and doyoung is willing to bet it isn’t a good experience.

after all, humans can be evil too. and it isn’t unheard of sex robots sometimes being forced to have intercourse against their consent. it sends a shiver down his spine when he tries to imagine what pain jaehyun must be in throughout these years. with jaehyun's limited free will, he is sure jaehyun can't do anything to help himself in said situations. the condition doyoung found him in just adds to his unsettling findings.

he finds that he can’t focus on work the whole day thanks to the newfound fact about jaehyun.

•••

“what vision did you get last night?”

doyoung can tell he isn’t expecting that question the first thing in the morning. he’s only a bit guilty for asking it to him this early in the day, but he can’t help it — as they say, _curiosity killed the cat_ , and it certainly killed doyoung. jaehyun stays silent for several moments, head lost in thought. he’s obviously wracking his brain for an answer for doyoung, but with how long he does it for doyoung knows his vision must be bad again.

“i dreamt i was human — a real, breathing, human, doyoung,” he quietly says. he sounds confused but in awe. doyoung finds it hard to believe jaehyun could be anything _but_.

“i saw these two people, a man and a woman, and they were trying to stop this- this team of sorts. they were trying to drag me somewhere.” his face grows solemn, and his eyes only stare at the wall behind doyoung. there’s a faint shaking in his hands, and doyoung covers it with his palm in what he hopes is a comforting manner.

“i was taken to this place underground — dark and clammy and just plain _horrendous._ they tied me up to a chair and- and did all sorts of things. they carved my skin like it was a child's drawing," he scratches lightly at doyoung's arm. "made me drink this concotion — i'm sure it was a sedative. and just before i fell asleep they hooked me up onto machines. then i must've died... because that was when i woke up,” he closes.

doyoung almost regrets asking him that question because jaehyun looks so unhappy now. his lip trembles a bit, and he’s feeling absolutely sorry that he reopened a fresh wound in jaehyun’s mind and made it bleed again.

“they cut open my chest and replaced it with _something_ too. i was left to bleed to death there. and when i woke up the same spot they opened during my dream hurt so much... as if they actually did it to me,” jaehyun follows up, hand clenched over his heart. out of instinct, doyoung follows the movement — covers jaehyun’s hand with his own. if he focuses hard enough — _imagines_ hard enough — he can feel his lifeless metal heart beat in steady thumps under his palm as well.

the distraught look on his face makes doyoung want to scour the universe to get rid of whatever is giving jaehyun his pain. he promises to himself, that he will always do his best to keep jaehyun far from misery — away from all the evil the world contains inside.

•••

it's on an ordinary that it happens. just when they are sitting on doyoung's couch, jaehyun's head resting on his lap. light filters through his window blinds, shining on jaehyun's face in neat lines. his hand is combing through jaehyun's chestnut locks, twisting and untwisting the strands between his fingertips.

it comes out on accident too. "i love you so much," doyoung whispers. he doesn't realise he's said it until a whole second passes by, until jaehyun stops fiddling with the jean rips on his knees.

"love is just a chemical reaction," jaehyun says. his voice is stiff — metallic, almost, like the material that makes up his insides. for a while, doyoung remembers jaehyun is different. he has fuel inside his heart that pumps it all across synthetic arteries. his skin is cold, and at where his pulse should be there is nothing. if doyoung listens close enough, he can even faintly hear the whirr of gears turning in jaehyun's head.

"but do you feel it," doyoung asks again. "do you feel love for me?"

"is the answer to that important?" jaehyun retorts.

and that, in all honesty, is a very good question. would it mean anything at all if jaehyun is truly in love with him, or would it not? doyoung himself isn't quite sure. is the presence of love in jaehyun's supposedly soulless system of any worth? jaehyun doesn’t even know how to feel love, what love actually is, and if by chance some anomaly occured and he can feel it, would it endanger jaehyun's life? is the source of doyoung's question from his ego, or does it come from somewhere else — some darker, deeper crevice of his pandora box of a heart that he has not dared yet to open? if so, then-

"it is."

jaehyun stays quiet. the sound of his faux-thinking is loud. his eyes are blank as his mind searches his internal database for a valid answer. he looks at doyoung, except doyoung know this time his glance is not a studious one. several moments pass, and finally jaehyun sits up and answers,

“i do not have the answer to that yet, doyoung."

when doyoung's expression morphs into disappointment, jaehyun seems to sense it immediately. doyoung vaguely wonders if jaehyun has his facial expressions ingrained into his memory chip to be able to react this fast. "ask me again, in some other time. i promise to give you an absolute answer, then."

jaehyun has a point. after all, a lot can change in a day. let alone three months. doyoung fails to hide the disappointment on his face. “alright then. in another time.”

•••

a week later, jaehyun finally comes back to his spot on doyoung’s bed — the one on the left side of the bed, which faces the door. he’s been sleeping on the couch over the past few days, maybe out of guilt, and doyoung can’t help but worry about him on each night that went by.

he surprises doyoung with how quietly he does it. jaehyun slips under the covers without him noticing due to the laptop balanced on his lap, screen opened on his office's latest financial report. he’s leaning back against his padded headboard, glasses perched atop his nose so he can read better, typing in revisions as he scrolls down the document.

he feels jaehyun wrap his arms around his waist. his face is buried into the curve of it. then his soft voice, “i’m sorry i can’t feel love yet, doie.”

doyoung stops typing, turns his head to look at jaehyun. his heart hurts so much seeing jaehyun look small, and it only worsens knowing he can’t do anything to help him. he closes his laptop runs a soothing hand down jaehyun’s back.

“you don’t have to love me yet,” he says, “i can love both of us enough on my own. i’ll wait until you love me too, jaehyunnie.”

jaehyun just nods at his answer, staying silent. doyoung tucks the stray hair that covers his eyes when he looks up at him behind his ear. he bends down to place a soft kiss on jaehyun’s head, right in the centre of his hair parting. doyoung can’t help but linger, can’t help but stay close. jaehyun moves his arm so that he’s clutching at doyoung’s shoulder instead. he returns the action by putting a hand around his middle to bring them closer. he tucks his head into the space of doyoung's neck and sighs. it sounds borderline miserable.

“but i don’t want you to. i want to be able to love you too.”

•••

_jae-log #59_

_today, doyoung came home upset. he seemed exhausted all night and refused to eat dinner. though, he eventually did eat when i talked him into doing it. but funnily enough, he doesn’t seem energised after dinner like he usually does. he usually does a bit of paperwork too, except this time he went straight to his room. i know i'm not supposed to eavesdrop, but i heard him say something — said something about love. love... and me? love and me?_

_it’s upsetting that i cannot love him back. if i could, i probably would have loved him. but my system doesn’t know what love is yet — or maybe it does. maybe that algorithm i_ _can’t do yet is love..._

_aish, what am i saying... i’m beginning to not work properly again. maybe this is what he means when he says i should just take it at my own pace, or whatever it is he says. i’ll do that procedure i saw tomorrow to see if that will fix the problem. after all, it's the only thing i haven't tried doing yet. soon, i’ll understand it..._

_[end log]_

•••

the sound of metal clanking is the first thing that greets him when he arrives back home.

the second thing that greets him, is the image of jaehyun forcefully cutting and rearranging some wires on the side of his face

“what are you doing! jaehyun- stop! stop it, please,” doyoung begs.

the scalpel, doused in liquid doyoung knows is fuel, glints in jaehyun’s palm. he has made a cut on his cheek, deep enough that doyoung can see with naked eyes the metal that act as his bones. he gets reminded harshly back to when doyoung first found jaehyun — wounded, bleeding, and utterly _broken_. except this time, jaehyun’s face shows otherwise. he looks like he had just discovered something so grand, so wonderful, a revelation so great that he is gleefully grinning.

“remember what i said to you, just last month?” he asks, coughing immediately afterwards.

all doyoung can do is nod, confusion and concern piling up and stripping away everything he knows of. jaehyun’s smile at his response just makes his heart clench tighter.

"i told you it was alright, jaehyun. i told you that you didn't have to-"

“but i wanted to, doy. i did — and i still want it, more than anything. and because of it, i finally get it,” jaehyun continues, voice dripping in happiness even if it is weak. doyoung sees the torn skin covering a chip on his cheek, sees the few wires slipping out of the slight gap. his lip trembles, and his body is feverish hot. the chip inside is a broken beyond repair, doyoung can tell it was jaehyun who broke it — that he was the one who voluntarily messed up the pre-arranged wires to do what, doyoung isn’t sure.

his hands raise up, seemingly pointless. until doyoung realises jaehyun’s trying to reach out for his own. doyoung clasps his hand with his, holds it between his palms, unwilling to let go.

“i have an answer for it, now, doyoung-ah.”

he doesn’t realise he is crying until he sees a teardrop fall, dripping onto jaehyun’s nose and enter the cut on his cheek. a crack of electricity burst through, the sound more horrible than the ones before it.

“would you like to hear it?”

jaehyun wipes his tear-stained face with his thumb. caresses it once, twice, hand lingering on him. he cups his cheek and holds his jaw with a gentle grip.

“i would like to,” doyoung replies, voice barely above a whisper. either jaehyun’s eyes glimmer at his response, or, the tears are clouding his vision too much to see properly. his eyelids close, and he can feel jaehyun’s finger trace over his features, grazes it on his bottom lip at last.

"whatever love is, doyoung, whatever it is — i can feel it now. i can feel love for you."

and nothing can describe how doyoung feels just by hearing those words. there’s a strange satisfaction from knowing that he has done it — he has made jaehyun’s soulless heart feel love.

“i love you, doyoung. i love you so, so, so much. and maybe that’s all i’ve ever known how to do,” jaehyun says. his voice is barely above a whisper, trembling when he says doyoung’s name.

the glimmer of blue in jaehyun’s crystal eyes dim. the wires transmitting fuel and energy in him weaken. the dampness of his fuel soak through his coat, staining it a faint purple hue. jaehyun’s skin heats up tremendously, it almost burns doyoung where his hand lingers.

“won’t you say it back to me, doyoung-ah?”

doyoung thinks he sees tears forming in the corner of jaehyun’s eyes. he wonders if a robot can cry, if _jaehyun_ can cry, and if he only cries for him. a sob lodges itself in the back of his throat.

“i love you too, just as much,” he chokes on a gasp. the words bring a smile on jaehyun’s face, his eyes turning into crescent moons when he does so. doyoung has never loved someone more than he does right now.

“it hurts, doyoung. hurts so bad...,” jaehyun murmurs, voice laced with pain. he’s walking on that thin line between life and death. doyoung tries to wipe the moisture regathering in his eyes. he runs a hand down the side of jaehyun’s face, lifts his chin so that he looks him straight in the eye.

“you can rest now, jaehyun-ah. you’ve done more than i can ever ask of you.”

those words seem to be the end of it for him. the flicker behind his eyes spark once, like embers in a flame, and then dims out. the small control panel on his left wrist beep for the last time, doyoung reads the words on the panel through his tears.

_[error: unknown code performed. system override. auto-terminate system in 3, 2, …]_

“thank you for everything, doyoungie...,” he whispers.

_[... 1, 0.]_

and with that, jaehyun’s machine fails to keep him alive. his eyes are closed, and there is a sweet smile plastered upon his lips. doyoung has never seen jaehyun more humane than right now, where his head is lying heavy on his thigh, cold and unmoving.

“sleep well, my dear,” doyoung whispers, fighting against the sob lodged pitifully in the back of his throat. he must stay strong, must find a way, _for jaehyun_.

•••

perhaps mankind should’ve known what it was capable of.

because mankind has built and ruined. it has made and destroyed. it can certainly do it again in the blink of an eye, without a doubt.

and maybe if he had remembered that he wouldn’t have done this. doyoung should’ve known better than this. that he had power to create his own happiness and demolish it too, all in his own hands.

but mankind isn’t devoid of hope yet. mankind can make a lot of things, hope included.

and that is exactly what doyoung starts doing — he seeks out hope.

•••

 _the human race is very twisted, in a way_ , doyoung idly wonders.

humans are like any other living creatures. they fulfils every single one of the seven characteristics of life. except humans are blessed with thought, emotions, and free will. and only mankind is granted that ability, nothing else has it.

with those blessings, humans make emotional connections with _everything_ — both living and non-living. these emotional connections are the ones that determine their life’s paths — where they end up, how will it go, all of their fate in their own hands. and sometimes it doesn't go quite as well as they planned. mankind will still go and do it even if they can already see all the warning lights aflame.

doyoung may not like mankind much. but doyoung too is still a man, and a hypocrite too, he knows. as the doctor — unofficial doctor, actually, as he isn’t licensed — holds the syringe in his hand, he explains all the technical things doyoung needs to know.

“the anaesthetic should work fairly quick. once i inject it in you, just count down from 100. you’ll be asleep in no time.”

doyoung nods at him. and the doctor wastes no time in doing the next steps. the needle is just a hairs breadth away from piercing his skin when the doctor asks again, “are you sure about doing this procedure? once we do it, you can’t ever be the way you were before.”

yes, doyoung knows everything that cones with this. it comes with more downsides than benefits, and anyone in their sane mind would never do what doyoung is about to. but then again, doyoung isn’t quite like anyone else. perhaps this is what they mean when they say _love makes you insane._

so, again, he nods. “yes. i already read signed all the documents you asked me to. i’m ready, doc.”

doctor lee pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. doyoung feels the needle prick his skin. he focuses his gaze on the dusty shelves behind the desk in the doctor’s operation room. _100, 99, 98, 97..._

the next time he wakes up, he feels different.

 _it’s a weird feeling_ , doyoung thinks. he wakes up in the cold room, alone, with an IV drip inserted into the back of his hand. he’s also hooked to two more machines — one that shows his heartbeat and the other one that shows his brain activity.

aside from that everything is only a tad bit off, but somehow doyoung can see everything in perfect clarity. at the same time, he feels deprived of his senses. the taste on his mouth is bitter, the sheets don’t feel as rough under his fingertips.

everything that has happened in the last hour finally comes back to him when he tries — keyword: _try_ — to calm himself down by breathing deep. he can’t properly inhale, and that’s when doyoung finally remembers everything that went on.

a man — no, the _doctor_ — walks in, a small clipboard in his hand. he checks up on doyoung amidst small talk, writes the results on the paper in his hands. once he is done, he asks doyoung in a serious manner, “how are you feeling?”

the question holds more meaning beyond that, doyoung knows. but right now — he’s feeling a lot of things. his head feels lighter than it’s ever in the last few months, and he feels a strength in his limbs that’s never been there before. he feels like he can do anything if he wills himself to, but feels grounded enough to not be reckless.

doyoung feels absolutely _great._

and now, he only has one thing left to cross out of his list.

•••

“you brought me back,” is the first thing jaehyun says to him after waking up.

doyoung lets out the breath he had been holding. relief floods him, seeing that jaehyun is finally awake, _alive_ again. he spends his time just staring at him — stares at him to make sure he’s real and tangible and not just a product of his sick imagination.

“i can’t imagine a future without you,” he says, voice low.

and perhaps it just shows how truly and utterly _dedicated_ he is for jaehyun. for jaehyun, doyoung is more than willing to sacrifice any and everything he has. even if he has to quite literally lose a part of himself in the process.

“that’s quite selfish of you, doie,” jaehyun remarks. doyoung can tell he is a bit skeptical, a bit criticising. he can’t blame jaehyun for feeling that way — he’s sure if he were in that position he’d feel the same.

he is reminded again of the robot he found on that day — cautious, wary, and unsure of what he should say. this jaehyun is no different. except he is no robot, he is exactly like doyoung now. a _hybrid_ — a mix of man and metal — thanks to doyoung.

“i’m only human — _was_ only human,” he reasons.

“i know.” and that’s when the smile comes back on his face. “and i’m glad to be back.” his hand seeks out doyoung’s own, and doyoung gladly takes it. this time, his soft palm is warm against his skin, pulse beating rhythmically in his wrist. it comforts doyoung to no end.

they may not have forever on their hands. but right now, all doyoung needs is the time jaehyun is willing to give him. he has enough time to spend with him, and he doesn’t need more than that amount.

he only needs jaehyun, his other half — both physically and mentally — then, and only then, will doyoung be complete.

for now, forever will have to wait. doyoung and jaehyun come first.

•••

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this fic isn't too confusing to read hehe. also, hope you enjoyed reading this! coz i certainly had fun writing this fic lmao. also this fic is the longest i've made uwu /proud mom mode/
> 
> i'm on hiatus from stan twitter but find me @thirstvxq


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